Mar 03 2009
So. our little guy is growing by leaps and bounds! I post lots of pictures on Facebook, but I know of at least one guy who insists that he hates Facebook, so now I’m posting at least one gallery on here. :) Enjoy!
Feb 18 2009
According to my records, it’s been almost 2 weeks since I’ve updated. Is that because there’s nothing new in my life? Because I’m not thinking about anything? Because nothing is pissing me off? C’mon, you should know better than that.
There’s plenty annoying me these days, sure. I just don’t have the time to write it all down like I used to. I’m told it probably has something to do with having a kid, and that’s probable.
I’m doing a lot. I don’t feel I’m doing most of it very well, except for the proposal. (When I’m at work, it’s easier to focus on one thing at a time.) It’s hard to balance all of what I need to do with all of what I want to do, but it’s the subjugation of selfishness that needs to happen when it comes to kids and life.
Kim and I have been discussing how life has changed with an infant in the house. I’m looking forward to all the teachable moments with little Iain, but as a 2 month old, he’s definitely challenging. I’ve been told before that my life would change when Iain came. I knew this. I knew it would be drastic. But very few people are able to convey the magnitude of the difference, I don’t think. :) Even me. :)
Anyway, I’ll not neglect this blog forever. I’ve been keeping the software that runs it updated, etc. I’ve been thinking about it. :) And when I have the time and the inclination, I’m sure I’ll write more.
Dec 18 2008
There are many ways I could choose to end that sentence. I’m sure my choice of endings would cause some to consider me a bad parent. I don’t much care…sorry.
- My first three days as a parent have been exhausting.
- My first three days as a parent have not been enjoyable in any way shape or form.
- My first three days as a parent have caused me to wonder what the hell it was I thought I was doing.
- My first three days as a parent have made me weep…and not at all with joy.
I know, I know. I’m a selfish bastard. Whatever, Reader. And I could care less if you’re a parent. I’ve read enough books to know that every child is different; every child has its own set of challenges. I know that every parent is exhausted. I know that every parent has a rough time. I’m just saying what my experience has been.
And I’m not resenting not having time to myself. When I signed on to this parenting thing, I knew that time was going away. I expected it to go away. I’m not resenting losing the attention of my wife…yet. I just wonder what the hell made me think I could do this.
Iain came into the world in a hard way, as most babies do. Kim and I went to the hospital on Sunday night at about 11pm, when she started getting painful contractions. (Like they told us to.) She was at 3cm and 80% effaced. (i.e. not ready to give birth.) We waited around, etc., etc. They started her on pit to move her along in her pregnancy soon thereafter.
I don’t remember when, but I want to say it was 2-3 am or so when she asked for her epidural. The contractions were getting quite painful, and we had planned for that epidural. The epidural took a LONG time to get working. It didn’t start working for longer than the anaesthesiologist expected, or seemed to expect.
At 5am, they started wanting her to push, but she couldn’t feel anything, so she couldn’t push. By about 6am, they told her to stop, and she was already quite tired. Wasted energy. They decided to cut off the epidural.
By 7am, she started being able to push, and Iain wasn’t born until 10:18am. 3+ hours of hard pushing. This was when I started wondering what the hell I thought I was doing. I can’t even imagine what it was like for Kim, and it killed me to see her in that much pain when I could do nothing about it.
Iain has not been an easy tyke, and we just got back from the Maternity Ward of the hospital trying to get him to breastfeed. He has not taken well to the breast, and he’s not eaten well since he got back from the hospital. And they were a little concerned about jaundice, so they did a heel prick.
At the maternity center, they got him eating quite well, and he got to sleep, but he’s been up screaming since we came home from the hospital the first time, and it’s been quite the ordeal.
I’m really just typing this to blow off some steam. A few minutes ago, I was laying with my face down onto the back of the couch, crying. Kim says I’ve been helpful, and I appreciate the comment, but I really don’t feel helpful. I want to help, but I can’t help Iain breastfeed. I can put a sink in, but I can’t barely calm him down. I can install a dryer cord, but I don’t know anything about being the father of an infant. All I can do is watch helplessly while Kim weeps tears of frustration when Iain won’t feed. And all I feel like doing when I watch Kim is cry, myself. Because I WANT to do something, but can’t. I can try to make her comfortable (poorly, and in vain), and I can try to get the house cleaned up. I can sit in a chair with my son while he screams at me in frustration.
I can wonder again and again what the hell I was thinking, and how the hell I let myself get talked into this.
Iain, if you’re reading this down the road, I love you. It’s not the emotional warm fuzzy feeling I thought it would be, Iain. I want to protect you from the world. I want to help you make it through this difficult phase, but I FEEL like punching a hole in a wall.
What I DO have the warm fuzzy feeling about is my wife. I don’t know you yet, Iain. About the only thing I know about you is that you caused my wife a great deal of pain. You continue to cause her a great deal of pain, and I’ve never taken well to things that do that to Kim.
So there’s my horrible parent conflict. On the one hand, I love my son, because I’m supposed to. I am truly proud of you, Iain. You can already hold your head up, and you can push yourself up with your hands. You have very strong arms and legs. For how hungry you must have been up until an hour ago, you slept for several hours at a time. On the other hand, you’re making life difficult for Kim.
One day, I guess you’ll understand, Iain. When you have a wife of your own, and are having a child of your own, and are struggling with your own need to love and protect your wife, and are trying to get to know your own child. You’ll understand.
I’m feeling better, now. I’ve gotten it off my chest, and my eyes are dry. I think I’ll go rest for a little while before Iain wakes up and needs to eat again. Prayers for Kim and I are very much appreciated.
