Is your Christian life…silent?

Do you sit wondering how God still speaks to us these days?  Or was Nietzsche right when he said “God is dead”?  Of course not!  But how do we hear God these days?  We know “print is dead”, so it can’t be the Bible, right?  I mean, how can something with so many “thee’s” and “thou’s” still be relevant in this day of Internet, fast cars, and microprocessors?  What’s more, how are we supposed to fit these “quiet times” our pastors encourage us to have into our busy schedules?

These are all great questions, people, and TheDow Industries cares about the answers.  We have come up with some products that are really going to help you find out the ubiquitous Will of God.  Using our products, you will easily and quickly be able to let God speak to you. Don’t let the book of Revelation end with a period when we all know that God meant to use a comma. (Darn those translation “faux pas”.)

Prophecy-Bits
 
We all know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  Well now it can be even MORE important with all new Prophecy-Bits Cereal!  With Prophecy Bits, you too can see the ever-changing Will of the Lord while still grabbing some grub in the morning. Prophecy-Bits can be part of any spirit-filled Christian’s balanced breakfast.

*** Coming Soon – Prophecy-Bits Red Letter Edition – So you never miss those really important prophecies.

(Prophecy-Bits is not responsible for any profanity that may surface in your morning cereal. By purchasing Prophecy-Bits Cereal, you agree to hold TheDow Industries harmless in the event that your cereal tells you to do anything illegal.)

Theopneu-Stew
 
Need to catch lunch in a hurry? No time to spend hours asking the Lord to speak to you? You don’t need to worry any longer. Theopneu-stew is your source for the up-to-the-minute Word of God. Simple nuke a bowl of Theopneu-stew and see what the Lord has to say to you now. Get answers to life’s REALLY important questions, like who to vote for, how to raise your kids, what church to attend; and get a nutritious lunch at the same time.

Theopneu-stew: God’s Inspired Soup

(TheDow Industries would like to remind our more spiritually-sensitive brethren that spilling scalding Theopneu-stew in your lap is not to be interpreted as the Wrath of God. Please nuke responsibly.)

“God Still Speaks” Ball
 
For those times when you don’t have time to cook a meal to get a quick answer from God, TheDow Industries presents the “God Still Speaks” Ball.  Not like those demonic 8-balls or Ouigi Boards, the answers the “God Still Speaks” Ball gives you are authoritative and godly. No longer feel as though you’re consulting with Satan when you pick up a “harmless” 8-ball for a laugh. Now you can get real, meaningful answers from the “God Still Speaks” Ball. 

How does it work?  Every “God Still Speaks” Ball contains no less than 2 cups of “God Still Speaks” Authentically Blessed Blue Holy Water, with inspired answers floating inside. To get an answer from the Lord, simply turn the “God Still Speaks” Ball so that the Priestly Window faces up and see what the Lord has to say to you today! Some of the answers the “God Still Speaks” Ball will give you:

Pray About It
Smite Something
Cast Out Demons
What Would Jesus Do
Signs God Points to Yes
- and-
Pray Sinner’s Prayer (For those situations when you may have accidentally jeopardized your salvation.)

(TheDow Industries would like to remind our customers that the symbol on the back that looks like an “8″ is actually the Infinity symbol, representing the eternity of the Lord. Some “God Still Speaks” Balls have been reported to leak their Authentically Blessed Blue Holy Water. This water may be used to bless cars, houses, children, babies, computer equipment, or anything else you might use inferior holy water or anointing oils for. If you run out of Authentically Blessed Blue Holy Water, you may send TheDow Industries a check for $89.95 along with a self-addressed, stamped, waterproof box for replacement water.)

PLEASE NOTE: (These products are fictitious.  Please don’t buy them.)