Gabe and I had a seminar to attend yesterday at the Cisco campus in San Jose. It was a good seminar, and I learned a great deal. I’d love to get the integrated Anti-Spam, Anti-Virus, Anti-Phishing, URL Blocking, etc, all-in-one solution that Cisco puts out. It’s a darn good product, and at only a couple thousand dollars, it’s a steal, really. :) Anyway, the day as a whole didn’t go so hot with regards to driving. Here is how it all went down.
To begin with, we left at 5am. I don’t know how anything can go right when the day begins that early, but I’m glad we left when we did. Driving to San Jose is a good deal like watching a football game. Sure, the 4th quarter is 15 minutes long. But it’s not going to take 15 minutes to watch it! Driving to San Jose shouldn’t take nearly 3 hours…but it did.
The first wonderful thing about driving to the Bay Area can be expressed in a simple equation:
a + b = BIG, SLOW, DANGEROUS MESS
(Where:
a = The number of idiots in their cars
b = The number of idiot things they do putting everyone else in mortal peril)
Seriously…there are so many idiots out there talking on their cell phones doing completely retarded things, I’m surprised we don’t have a higher fatality rate on the Altamont. And 100% of the people that cut us off, merged into our lane without warning, tailgated us, etc. were talking on their cell phones. I used to be angry at the number of people who wanted to make it illegal to talk on the cell phone and drive. I agree with them now. People get so involved in their conversations and forget that they are operating heavy machinery, endangering the lives of those around them. (grrrrrr….)
The next wonderful adventure happened when we hit the 580-680 interchange around Dublin. This nifty bit of Cal-Trans trickery is not-so-affectionately termed “The Parking Lot”. Basically, we’re on 580 West, and we are trying to get to 680 North. 580 W to 680 N has one lane. The neat thing is that people from 680 who are wanting to get onto the 580 West have their own lane. So what we have is 2 lanes coming together, and everyone who wants to get to a different freeway gets to merge. It’s difficult to describe, but I have created a high-quality graphic I have entitled “HOLY CRAP!!!” which illustrates the conundrum that hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of people face each day. It should help.

So what we have above is our path in red. And our friends, the opposing mergers, in blue. The directions of traffic can be seen by looking at the arrows next to the lanes. Now, with bumper to bumper traffic, and a bunch of idiots on their cell phones, can you see what this does for us? That’s right….ulcers.
So we’re driving down the 680, listening to music, talking, desperately trying to avoid the idiots on their cell phones, when we notice a sign for Mission Blvd. Our directions (from an Internet Map company…I won’t mention their name, but it rhymes with CrapQuest), say that we are supposed to “merge onto Mission Blvd / CA-262 W.” No problem…well….sort of. See, we’re at Mission Blvd., and we see NO signs for 262 W. We initially turn left, thinking that’s sort of West. We go under the freeway, and then have second thoughts. “Maybe we should have gone the other way”, we think. We flip a U-Turn and head back the other way, thinking that we’re bound to run into 880 any time. We were sorely mistaken, of course. 7-10 miles later, we realize that we’re not going to run into any other freeway and turn around again. I scream “LALALALALALALA” at some dude walking down the street, just to feel better. Soon, we cross under the 680, thinking, “Ok…The directions say we should only need to drive 1.2 miles to get to the 880.” We drive…..and drive…..and drive. Suddenly, I see a sign for a freeway up ahead. Looks like it could be for 880. Guess what? NOPE!!!! It was for…..the 680. Again???? WTH is this about? Mission Blvd. crosses the 680 TWICE??? What idiot thought THAT was a good idea??? Sure enough, we hit the 880 about 1.2 miles after that. Gee, thanks CrapQuest.
Ok, we hit the 880, and think our problems are over, right? Wrong again. Our next directions were to merge onto the 237 toward Mountain View. We see a sign saying, “237, Right Lanes.” So we get into the right lanes in preparation to merge onto the 237. Soon after this, we see a sign that says, “237, Left Lane.” …….. WHAT??? So we start getting back over to the left, when we see another sign reminding us that if we want to merge onto the 237, we need to be in the right lanes. ARRRGGGHH!!!!! Turns out, the left exit is for carpoolers, while the right lanes are for everyone else. No signs to indicate this….just MAJOR confusion while we anger those around us. CrapQuest is awesome again, and the California Highway System is really keen in my book, now.
We get to the right of the 237 in preparation to exit on Zanker Road (after laughing at the funny name.) The cool thing about this is that there were at least 2 on-ramps that needed to merge while we got into the right lane in preparation. These on-ramps were FILLED with shiny, happy people wanting to be where we were. WOOT! That was about as awesome as the 580-680 interchange (see above.)
The seminar went well. Gabe got directions from this nameless Internet Map site to get from our address to the Gordon Biersch Brewery. (WOOT!) I look at the directions, and inform him that he needs to head East on our main road here and look for Morgridge. It’s an unfamiliar area, all the buildings are turned at funky angles, and it’s 12pm. East is a little difficult to ascertain!!!! So we go right…..seemed easterly to us. We drive for a little bit, looking for Morgridge Way when I look back at the directions for our next move. The next move says thus:
“Start out going EAST on E TASMAN DR toward MORGRIDGE WAY.”
…ok, we’re on Tasman, going where we THINK is east.
“Make a U-TURN at MORGRIDGE WAY onto E TASMAN DR.”
WHAT????? Excuse me??? I was supposed to head East, and then flip a freakin’ U just so I can go WEST? Ok, so I’m supposed to ultimately head West on Tasman, so either I’m going to run into Morgridge and flip a U, or else, I’ll end up at First street, which is where we’re ultimately going to turn left on our way to beer-y goodness. We drive….and drive….and drive. Suddenly, Gabe notices we’re now in Milipitas, and on a street called Great Mall Parkway. WHOOPEE!!! We’re now on a different road, and have seen neither hide nor hair of this Morgridge -OR- First street. So we head back, wondering if we’ve entered a parallel dimension where East and West have switched places with North and South, or else we’re going completely insane. We head back down Tasman, and come to the light that we originally turned right on to get onto Tasman. (Because we thought it looked East-ish.) Turns out THAT light was Morgridge. Turns out our directions thought we were in a different driveway, and now we’re hungry, thirsty, and ANGRY. So we find First, and we make it to Gordon Biersch, where much eating and drinking ensue. Yum, and yum…
On the way home, we begin following the directions to get us back to 880, which should lead us back home. We reason that we can get back on the freeway the same place we got off of the freeway. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…no. The on-ramp is CLOSED. Oh, yippee. So now, we’re driving around downtown San Jose looking for somewhere else to get on the freeway. We see something for 880. We JUMPED on it, and ended up back on the freeway we wanted to be on.
It was an adventure without peer, my wonderful reading audience. But it was fun…we laughed at our mishaps a great deal. Adventures in the Bay Area. Think it would make a good novel series?