Not So Famous…

Marriages fail for all kinds of reasons, I know.  It’s not all attributed to the attitudes of the parties going into the arrangement.  I am not writing this article with a certain couple in mind or anything of that sort. This is just in reference to something I heard this morning.

I like to listen to the Bob and Tom Show in the morning on the way in to work. It helps pass the time when driving, and they have some excellent guests on there. However, one of the many things I don’t like is their attitude toward marriage.

On this show, it’s common to hear Kristi or Chick talk about how many marriages they have gone through in their lives.  I originally felt bad for them until I heard many of their views on how marriage works.  Furthermore, they often talk down to guests who indicate that they are going to get married.  These people believe that it’s best to conceal as much as possible from their spouses.  They say things like the cell phone has ruined relationships because it allowed the wife to find out where the husband is, etc.

How about this: Don’t screw around on your wife.  Don’t have a mistress.  Change your behavior, or DON’T FREAKIN’ GET MARRIED!  With attitudes like this, is it any wonder that people’s marriages fail?  One comedian suggested that when newlyweds are asked to perform chores or run an errand, they should take as much time as possible because when the first errand is performed, that’s the amount of time you have to do that errand FOREVER.  How about just doing the errand, doing whatever else you planned to do, and then go home and tell your wife what you were doing???  If they suspect you of cheating on them, maybe you’re concealing everything from them, and they have every right to be suspicious!  Or MAYBE, you married someone who was jealous from the very beginning, in which case you made your bed, now lie in it.

People who are considering getting married, here are some success tips.

1. Honesty - If you can’t be honest with your future spouse, don’t get married.  You’re setting yourself up for a life of problems, and a likely divorce. Better to use your brain before getting married than to deal with the problems after you’re married.
2. Fidelity - Don’t friggin’ cheat on your wife.  I’m a guy, I know what the temptations are.  It’s not a given that everyone cheats on their wife. Just don’t freakin’ do it.  Set up guidelines: Don’t be alone with members of the opposite sex; don’t spend more after-work hours with your co-workers than you do with your spouse; Don’t have close friendships with members of the opposite sex. These types of things provide more temptation than they’re worth, and at the very least, they provide reasons for jealousy, which is dangerous even if it’s somewhat unfounded.
3. Petty Jealousy = Bad - For crying out loud, find someone who knows that you love them, and then remain faithful. It’s not worth an entire lifetime of doubt and arguments. (I got called on the carpet for this, so I’ve edited it, and will further qualify my statement) Here’s what I’m talking about here: I mentioned remaining faithful, and I want to say that this needs to be a GIVEN…for both sides. Men, you are not to have close friendships with women…end of story.  I have relationships with my group of friends, and many of those people are couples. But I would never consider going out with a friend’s wife for a drink.  This is just a BAD idea.  Women, your close friends are NOT to be guys.  Growing up, you had friends of the opposite sex, yes…at one time, you wore diapers and crapped your pants too.  You grow up.  Now, given the fidelity of both partners, there is no room for petty jealousy, because there is now no cause. A man looks a a woman walking down the street…he notices that she is pretty.  NOT a cause for jealousy!  A woman talks about a movie star or a waiter, and says, “he’s cute!”  NOT a cause for jealousy.  That, my friends, is petty jealousy!

   Furthermore, all causes for actual jealousy should have been taken care of LONG before the marriage happened.  Guidelines should be set out that say what I’ve said above. If your significant other has a close friend of the opposite sex, and refuses to end the friendship, then it sounds to me like you need to think VERY carefully about marrying this person.  There should be no cause for real jealousy in a relationship, and any petty jealousy is, in and of itself, a cause for worry.  Assuming, of course, YOU are being faithful, and following the guidelines.

Like I said before, use your brain before getting married.  Don’t get married thinking you can change someone later…you can’t.  They don’t want you to, and if you try, they’ll resent you.  There’s all kinds of self-help books that explain how to fix a broken marriage, and perhaps some of them work.  However, isn’t it worth the time and effort to do the work beforehand and put a little thought into the person you’re choosing to spend the rest of your life with?

Maybe you’ve already made what you feel is a mistake…I’m sorry.  Maybe you came into the knowledge of the mistake later down the road.  I don’t know what to tell you.  I’m not a therapist, relational or otherwise.  The stuff before marriage is far easier to talk about than the problems after.  I can say that the best thing you can do is get your church involved.  Sit down and meet with the elders. But don’t delay.  If you’ve hit rocky points in the marriage, then there are obviously problems you can’t work out yourselves.  Get goldy people involved to begin some accountability and help those lines of communication flow. Attempt to genuinely understand why your spouse does what they are doing…why they think what they think. Get someone involved who cares about the marriage, but is impartial to each member.  It’s not easy, though.  Be prepared to work at it.  Be prepared to be uncomfortable. Be prepared to experience some pain.  And most importantly, be prepared to be wrong.  There aren’t 1-sided problems.  You did something to bring some of this on, and be prepared to have that shown to you.

Most importantly, read your Bible and pray…I’d be happy to pray for you.  Drop a line and ask.

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