May 02 2006
Sleep eludes me…
This entire week has been one of sleeplessness. I could attribute it to a lot of things: The weather change, the job change, whatever. The point is that tonight, I am unable to sleep again.
The new job is going well thus far. No major points of stress. I didn’t come home afraid for my job, or wondering if I’ll survive. I’ve learned a great deal about the network, and know I’ll learn much more. The real work comes later, and there is some nervousness, as I wonder if I will live up to their expectations of me. I think I will, with God’s grace.
I think tonight, I have not had much time to unwind. At work, I was presented with new thing after new thing. Sign this, read this, look at this, think about this, do this, plan for this…it’s all a bit overwhelming, if I’m being honest. Did I think it would be otherwise? Not really…I expected it. When I got home, however, I ate, looked at paperwork, and then Bible Study started.
The Word of God should be a balm, shouldn’t it? I mean, I know that the perfection that is the Lord should point me to my own inadequacies, but His choice to extend grace to me is a balm…sure, I’m not perfect, but I’m no less perfect than I was yesterday. The Word shows me how little I know, and tells me I should know more about the God I serve…and yet, I don’t think I can point to the Word and say “this causes my sleeplessness.”
I think the loss of my comfort zone is the culprit this evening. At my old job, there were stresses…there were hardships to be endured. But I knew my place…I knew my co-workers. The known was everywhere, the unknown was relatively minor. Still, what was tough was known as well. I knew what to expect when I walked into the office. When I walked into the offie today, no one knew what to expect. They didn’t know what to expect of me, and I didn’t know what to expect of them. Everyone was very cool to me, which was great. I think I’m going to like working with these people. They love to joke around, and they’re very laid back. But I don’t know them yet, and they don’t know me. Their humor is much the same as mine, but they don’t know that yet, because I can’t bring myself to be completely open with them.
My old co-workers are my friends, and I miss them. I could tell them what I was thinking or feeling, and I knew how they’d react. I could tell them what was bothering me, and I knew they’d understand.
I’m ok though. Today has just been a whirlwind. What I want more than anything else right now is to hug my wife and have her tell me that I’m doing fine. I really want her comforting embrace around me. I need her to tell her she loves me…it’s not that I don’t know these things, but she’s good at saying them. :) “No man is an island”, I quip ironically. Especially me.
Tomorrow is the first D&D game with my new group. I’m looking forward to it, but I must admit that it’s another new thing. I won’t get to see my wife much until later. Thursday will be nice and quiet, I hope. I just want to hang with Kim and share my day. To feel her arms around me again, and to offer whatever comforts I can give her. :)
Well, I think I’m going to go back to bed for a little while and see if I can’t get some sleep. I feel a little better now. Thank you for reading. :)
on