Not So Famous…

Fancy alliteration aside, I’m serious. I believe that some history is in order, if you are to understand this “rant”. (And yes, I’m aware that I’m getting good at writing rants that aren’t rants…hey, my anger is being managed differently. Next topic: the therapeutic benefits of video games.)

When I was 19, and I’m not proud of this but it IS relevant to the story, I was introduced to GOOD beer. Of course, I had known for years that beer existed…Bud, Coors, Miller, Old Milwaukee. These beers were known to me, and I didn’t like them…not at all. It was all I really knew about. However, my friend was determined that I should not think less of the beer world because of the crappiness of these beers. (Tom, if you’re out there, thank you.) He introduced me to beers such as Anchor Steam, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, etc., etc. These beers tended to be on the darker side, and were rather more flavorful than the mass-produced beers that are sold in every convenience store. I wised up soon thereafter, and quit drinking until I was old enough to legally purchase it in the store. I had some crazy drunken parties, and I should NOT have done those things. But they are in my past, and help make up who I am.

Fast-forward to my 21st birthday party. I was a member of the worship team at Big Valley Community Church’s college group, and the worship team decided to take me out for a beer at the local pub after Saturday night church. This is where I first discovered the joys of drinking with fellow Christians, (not counting my Catholic friend Tom, who introduced me to the wonders of better beer. Thank you again, Tom.) Sadly, even though this was not a church-sponsored event, the legalistic college pastor found out that we had gone and enjoyed 1 beer apiece and lambasted us for it. He was thoroughly wrong, of course, since Martin Luther and John Calvin, the Reformers themselves, loved and drank all manner of fermented beverages, and don’t forget the fact that the Bible never condems any fermented beverage, but rather the improper use of it, but let’s not bring logic into this. This 21st birthday began my solo foray into the world of dark beers, which has led me to drive over 100 miles just to find a good beer.

I have tried many types of beers over the 7 years since that fateful night, and in those years, I’ve discovered a few things that are pertinent to this story. First, no beer that I have tried is perfect, though a few come very close. Also, good beer is relatively expensive. The search for the perfect beer has brought me to this most recent leg of my culinary journey…Homebrewing. Many people try this with little success…I have read their stories. And yet, I feel that I can succeed at this difficult process where others have failed. Why do I possess this “It can’t happen to me” feeling?

Well, first off, we must determine the reasons for homebrewing. Why would someone purchase the hardware, make batches of beer that suck, all of this taking months and months? Why put in all this extra work, when all that is required for good beer is a trip to the local liquor store? Well to begin, we must understand that at first, homebrewing is NOT cheaper than buying beer. Homebrewing is NOT going to immediately produce the best beer you’ve ever tasted. Finally, if one has illusions of selling their brew to various passersby, one is going to be disappointed.

First, homebrewing is not for those who want to save money. The process of brewing beer is difficult and complex. Many books have been written on the subject, and if a person wants to do more than just copy other people’s recipes, a full understanding of the science of fermentation is requisite. This requires a lot of work, and almost guarantees that the brewer will be dumping gallons and gallons of failed beer experiments down the drain. Once a recipe is obtained, and methods are perfected, homebrewing IS cheaper than buying good beer. Fixed costs for non-consumable hardware aside, the ingredients for a 5.5 gallon batch of beer can range from $25-$60. My favorite beer, Kilt Lifter Scotch Ale, costs $3.50 for a 22 oz. bottle. 5.5 gallons of beer will produce approximately 32 bottles @ 22 oz. each. $3.50 x 32 Kilt Lifters = $112. The economics are sound. Per batch, homebrewing is cheaper than buying. However, a beginning homebrewer will be tossing many of their first batches, so per drinkable beer, it will be more expensive for awhile.

As I said before, a homebrewer’s first batches are likely going to suck until they refine their techniques, and figure out how to create a good beer. So while the goal is definitely admirable, those searching out an immediate way to make better beer are going to be disappointed. Better to just take the good with the bad and buy good beer at the store.

Finally, I have determined that while people are willing to pay a lot for good beer, various passersby do not trust individuals selling homebrew. In addition, friends don’t let friends sell them their homebrew. What I mean is that a beer-loving friend will always be willing to try your beer, but will not pay for the privilege. (Not that I’d try and make someone do that…just an observation made in jest!)

So why brew your own beer? Well, I mentioned earlier that I am in search of the perfect beer. This is not to say that I am looking for it this month, next month, or even this year, but I do want to find it. I also am curious about the process of making beer. Finally, I want the pride and contentment of drinking a beer that I created! I want to create a label for my beer that shows people that I brewed it. I want to look at my batch, and say, “this is gonna be awesome”, because it’s trying a new beer every time. I want to make detailed notes in a journal that shows what I did for each batch, and finally, I want to make detailed tasting notes in the same journal. Furthermore, once I find recipes I like, I am looking forward to cheaper beer, though even if it costs more, the other benefits I am desiring are more than enough to compensate.

So what is the problem, then? First, let me say that I have not brewed a single batch of beer yet. All I have done up to this point is researched the process of making beer, and read others’ stories of their attempts to make beer, both failed and successful. I also purchased my first beer-making hardware kit, which is a great story in and of itself.

Saturday, October 22nd, I attended a Reformed Theology conference with my wife and a friend. This friend also enjoys the wonders of beer, and he and I discussed at length what we would need to create this wonderful elixir. We determined that at worst, we would make the equipment, though we figured we could find a kit for very little money. (At this conference, I also purchased a book entitled “Drinking with Calvin and Luther”, but that’s neither here nor there.) We went home with a renewed understanding of Reformed Theology, but also a renewed desire to make beer.

The following day, my wife and I were having a friend over who needed some computer work done. It was a simple matter of replacing nearly all the hardware in his computer with various bits I had laying around the house, for all of which I charged him $50. (I just came up with that total off the top of my head.) Later that evening, I received an e-mail from my fellow beer-loving friend, who informed me that he found some beer-making kits online that looked to be very reasonably priced. Monday morning, I went online and found the kit, and lo and behold!…they were selling for $50. A more obvious sign from God we could not have hoped for! (Tongue in cheek, of course.) I bought the kit, and am currently waiting for its arrival.

So over the last few days, I have been researching the science of beer-making, and while I am not discouraged, I am quite overwhelmed. I am also impressed with the brewmasters whose ales I have imbibed and loved. There are formulas for the amount of sugar one can extract from the malted barley. There are types of barleys that are categorized by their color (Lovibond values). There are hops that have various levels of bitterness. There are grains that require mashing, grains that only require steeping, and of course, you can choose to brew from malt extract entirely without grains at all! All of this conspires to give me a headache, but I do understand brewing quite a bit better than I did. Brewmasters really have to think hard about the type of beer they want to brew, and have to determine what goes in based on what they want to come out. It’s rather like cooking meals, except it’s actually a LOT more picky, especially with regards to sanitation. These days, we are blessed with better sanitizing methods, and the like, so theoretically, I should be able to come up with a decent brew a lot easier than, say, Martin Luther’s wife, Kate was. I am looking forward to it, but am expecting it to be a lot of work. If you want to know how my batches are turning out, I’ll post my notes to this site. Keep your eyes peeled.