Not So Famous…

Ok, an introduction…something that introduces the topic on which one will be writing. How about this: If I have to deal with one more moron behind a steering wheel here in California that thinks he/she is the only person on the road, I don’t know what I’ll do! Is that a sufficient introduction?

Seriously, I don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. There’s several types of morons that I’m talking about here, and if you’re one of them, then I say to you, “GET OFF THE FREAKIN’ ROAD, YOU JERK!!!!!” Not a very Christian attitude? Why do you say that?

Jerk (n) – A foolish, rude, or contemptible person. Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition

Now, anyone who imperils the lives of others just so they can get somewhere a few minutes early or avoid being a few minutes late can easily be classified as foolish, definitely rude, and definitely deserving of contempt. At this point, I am simply telling the truth. A very Christian attitude to be sure! But I’m not writing this to defend my truth-telling behavior. I’m writing because I am SICK OF THIS!!!

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Jerk #1 (The Passer) – This jerk can’t stand being behind anything. No matter how fast one is traveling, a passer will drive faster just to pass this person. This person is scary to be around when they’re getting onto a freeway. This is because they have to enter the freeway on the slow lane (GOD FORBID), and they have to (gasp) WAIT THEIR TURN!!!! This person, being the jerk he/she is, must get out of the slow lane and begin passing people NOW!!!! As a result of their impatience, they tend to merge into people without looking around. Heedless of their surroundings, they change lanes with no blinker, and ignoring cars in the space they want to be in, they move over. This is a bad thing because the person in the lane to the left of The Passer must get out of the way to avoid being hit by the jerk trying to be in their space, and so on and so forth.
Now, perhaps the Passer lacks the mental capacity to understand the limits of space in that there are only a couple of lanes. If they don’t hit someone, they think everything is ok, and they don’t think of the final person who has to swerve to avoid getting hit and ends up in the center divide. This is because they think they’re the most important people in the world. You’re not capable of driving a car and should probably stick to simpler machines like bicycles with training wheels. Mr. Passer, you are a jerk. Get off the road.

Jerk #2 (Turning Lane Conversion Experts) – These people make me wish I could carry a gun or a couple spike strips in my car. You know the people. You’re approaching a stop light when you notice that the light is red and there are a lot of people at the light. You sigh, but you stop, preparing to wait at least 1 cycle of the lights, perhaps more depending upon the line of cars. While you’re sitting there, you notice someone barreling down the road behind you. You wince in preparation for what you expect to be the mother of all rear-end accidents, when they suddenly jerk the wheel into the right turn lane. You silently curse them for scaring you out of your wits when you notice that he is not turning, indeed he doesn’t even have a blinker on. He’s sitting there in the right turn lane, waiting for the light to turn green so he can go straight! Meanwhile, innocent turners are piling up behind him, waiting for him to get out of the way so they can proceed legally to their destination. They honk their horns, because this idiot is making THEM later to their destinations, and doing so illegally. Now, impatient people irritate me, but in this case, I feel they’re justified, because this JERK is doing something illegal. This jerk is also known as the “Where are the cops when you need them” jerk. When the light turns green, they floor it, narrowly avoiding an accident with the person going straight only because the person going straight is a conscientious driver, and through no concern of their own!
The Turning Lane jerk is a real pet peeve of mine. I get pulled over for the most random and puny things, and this guy is being a danger to others as well as doing something illegal, and off he goes down the road. I have begun to think that again, this jerk lacks the mental capabilities to recognize simple shapes. There are signs that say “Right Lane Must Turn Right”, but sympathetically, Cal-Trans has painted BIG, FAT ARROWS both on the street and often on signs posted on stoplights. They show that the rightmost lane is NOT a straight lane. Now, those BIG words on signs might be confusing to this moron, but it’s hard to believe that he can’t even figure out what a RIGHT ARROW looks like. However, that MUST be it. Remedial kindergarten is in order for these people as my wife informs me that a kindergartner can easily recognize these shapes. Perhaps the DMV should require proof that the applicant for a driver’s license actually made it through kindergarten before issuing the license to such obviously dumb inDUHviduals. Mr. Turn Lane, you are a jerk. Get off the road.

Jerk #3 (The Tailgater) – I could think of a lot of names for this particular jerk, but none of them would be good for me to type, or even think about. (So stop thinking about it, me!) This guy is not brave enough to be a Passer, or else he is a Passer-in-training, but like the Passer, no one can go fast enough for him, and he thinks that by putting himself and you in danger by getting as close to your bumper with his as he possibly can. I tell you what, jerk. Nothing makes obey the speed limit more than some moron who likes my butt so much that he is climbing up into my trunk!
Now c’mon, jerk. There is no way you can react quickly enough to avoid an accident if I have to stop quickly to avoid a child or pothole or whatever. Are you just too dumb to understand the concept of reaction times? The connection between your thought and your action is not instantaneous. There is an amount of time between when you will realize you need to stop and the time which it takes your foot to move to the brake. That amount of time is longer than the time it will take for you to slam into the back of my car, and JUST shorter than the time it will take for me to get out of my car and beat the crap out of you, and it is far shorter than the time it will take me to ask God for forgiveness for beating the crap out of you. Do those comparisons help, moron? Get off my butt, jerk. If you don’t like how fast I’m going, then get on a different road, moron. I tend to drive about 5 mph faster than the speed limit, but I will drop to the speed limit or below if you piss me off. And then, when you hit me, whose fault do you think it will be? Imagine this conversation, moron.

“Officer, he was driving too slow!”
“How slow was he driving, sir?”
“Well, he was driving 40 miles an hour.”
“You moron, that’s the speed limit. You’re complaining that he was driving the speed limit!?! You ARE a moron, Chris was right!”

You see? Here’s a tip: Those speed limit signs tell you the UPPER limit of the allowed speeds on the road on which they are posted. I know that’s difficult, and I don’t mean to tax your brain, but it’s something you really need to understand if you’re ever going to understand more difficult concepts such as how to tell time on an analog clock. (For our purposes today, the very difficult word, “analog” means that it has hands.) And someday, you will even be able to count money without using your fingers and toes. Mr. Tailgater, you are a jerk. Get off the road.

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There are lots of combination jerks. The passer who doesn’t signal, doesn’t look, and doesn’t care is a particular annoyance. Not only do they feel the need to be in front of EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING, they don’t let you know they’re about to merge into you, and they don’t have a clue. There’s the oblivious cell phone user who is in their own little world, and as such they take on characteristics of all the other jerks: tailgating you because they don’t realize there’s someone in front of them, passing because they’re not paying attention to the speed limit, etc.

All of you jerks are making California a really horrible place to live. In order to get from one place to another, I must drive, and if that driving phase takes me onto the freeway or into town, I can basically prepare myself to be really angry as I look around and see the results of morons. Accidents caused by some idiot doing something stupid just to get to where they were going a minute or 2 faster. If you’ve been into an accident as a result of something dumb you did, are you happy? Did you get where you were going any faster? How much did your repairs cost? Was it worth it? Do you have sufficient brain power to answer these simple questions, or must I use hand gestures for you to get the gist of this rant?

Why don’t you do us all a favor…get off the road. Walk to where you want to go. Or better yet, just go stick your head in a toilet until the dial-a-ride gets to your house to take you to work, huh? Just quit driving like that, because the rest of us are sick of being in danger because you are too foolish, rude, and deserving of contempt to get the fact that you’re causing accidents. In short, you are a jerk. Get off the road.